so, mom and dad were out of town this weekend, in fact, they still aren't home yet. but anyway.. bethany and i were leaving for church this morning, and i backed in to the neighbor's car.. she was really nice about it, she was just like, i'll wait and talk to your parents.. at this point i was still in shock, and was just in 'handling it' mode. but now, we had to go to church, and as i was getting in the car, i started flipping out.. seriously crying hard core. ok, so i'm balling and driving.. we get to church, and i don't wasnt to go in, so bethany goes in, tells brad what happened, then we left... i was still upset, so we went to target to shop and get a movie and candy to go home. then bethany suggested fudruckers, so i said sure.. we went, came back, watched the movie, then started cleaning.. my poor little car. i feel really bad.. i hit that car real hard.. i still can't berlieve it.. not at all. i really am dreading church and youth, this really bites. well, i have to finish my room and laundry, so i guess i'll go.

natalie

Seeing as how no one ever uses xanga anymore, i feel more comfortable poring my thoughts onto my computer screen.

So, since the death of my papa, i feel so messed up. so many things are going right in my life rihgt now, and yet, i'm never really happy. i can't shake it. i don't mean to like, push all my problems onto one thing, but seriously. its like i can't focus or concentrate my energy on anything in particular. i don't want to be like this. i don't feel free to do as i please, or be myself. i feel like i just want to go home and curl up in my bed and read a book all day. i could really care  less about human contact. i don't know if any of this makes sense or anything. maybe its the fact th've gained weight.. maybe thats why i feel so uncomfortable around people. even my cloase friends.. i feel like i've pushed away alot of my friends and made myself seem more unapproachable. i don't know. the one relationship that REALLY matters to me seems to be flourishing, but not as quickly as i want it too. i want someone who can be there to help me with all of my problems and stuuf, but right now all i have is a friend. i want to be able to talk on the phone all night about everything thats going on in my life, but now just isn't the time to open up with him. i wish everything was like it was before.. like before papa died. maybe then i wouldn't feel so confused and alone. i don't know exactly. it just seems that this is a very dark time in my life, and i can't do anything to change it at all. it's all so frustrating. gah.. i seem to be fighting more with bethany than ever, and jeremy is off creating a new life for himself wiht his girlfriend. where do i fit in in their lives? my mom and dad seem to think that i;m all grown up and can take care of myself now.. when all i really want is a person to go and talk to when i need some help. but it seems no one has the time or patience to help me out, but i don't care. i'll probably fail 3 of mclasses this 6 weeks, simply because i choose to sleep during class. i can't sleep at night any more. i fall asleep quick, only to wake up 3 hours later and am suddelny wide awake. i've had constant bags under my eyes  for like, 7 months now. i need  to quit feeling this way.. i can't remember the last time i just sat down and talked to someone.      jeeze, i feel like just another typical digruntled teenager. like i'm just another proven statistic that all teenagers are skrewed up. thanks alot mtv.. no. thanks alot america. i just don't feel worthy of anyhting anymore. i just want to feel like i did when i was little, when i had nothing to worry about but the jump-rope game in PE. and why the heck am i crying? i don't cry, its just not me.. but all the sudden, i cry all the time. gah, i sond like a stupid lifetime movie.

ok, enough stupid talk about another stupid subject.